Divorcing a Blamer: Why Nothing Is There Fault

Steven Spielberg

Know someone that is never to blame? It’s always someone else’s fault or problem? Sound familiar? They are Persuasive Blamers. When you face off against a Blamer in a Custody Battle, your hands will be full. Most High Conflict Personalities (Narcissists, Borderline, Histrionic, Antisocial, and Paranoid) are Persuasive Blamers and they are very convincing.

Persuasive Blamers have a life long pattern of laying blame about the problems in their life. They are unable to see, understand and accept that they are responsible for their own difficulties in life. Since they can’t see that they are responsible, it turns their life and the lives of those that are around them in to chaos.

People that are Persuasive Blamers have cognitive distortions which causes them to have negative, self-sabotaging views of the world and/or of themselves. This distortion can be so deeply ingrained that their ability to think or receive new information is almost impossible. Instead of stepping back and analyzing the facts of the situation and taking the steps to correct it, the Blamer goes out and locates someone that will confirm, validate and support their distortions, the Advocate.

If the Advocate offers solutions to the problem or begin to see through the Blamer’s game, then the Blamer will react with strong emotion and they will manipulate the Advocate through the use of seduction, tears, playing the “helpless victim”, etc to gain the cooperation of their Advocate.

Projection is another method that Persuasive Blamers use with great success.Since Persuasive Blamers cannot accept that they are responsible for their own problems, they project the problems on to their environment, another person or find someone else to blame, the Target. This diverts the Blamer from his/her own unacceptable behavior and creates a situation where they simply do not have to be accountable for their own choices or actions.

In Family Court, the Blamer has the advantage because Family Court professionals do not understand Personality Disorders so they easily fall victim to the manipulative tactics of the Blamer.

Understanding Blamers and High Conflict Personalities and their never ending patterns of blame is the first critical step to take before facing them in Family Court.

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